The Things

The babies are now twelve weeks old and to celebrate this I have decided to list the twelve most valuable things I have learned since their arrival.

Thing 1 – Your life as you knew it is dead and gone forever. You thought this had already happened when elder daughter arrived five years ago but you now realise that you were totally kidding yourself when you thought you had it hard.

Thing 2 – I have worked out, using a complex system of pie charts, set squares and a theorem I remember from my final year at school that out of the next eighteen years I will spend eleven months folding bibs, sixteen months wiping pukey mouths and pooey bottoms and seventeen weeks trying to remember how many scoops of formula I have already put in the bottle.

Thing 3 - Babies are unable to keep socks on and I wager that most will have shed at least one sock within three minutes of putting it on him/her/them so when will we learn not to bother?

Thing 4 – The answer is of course ‘Never’ as it is impossible to pass a rack of newborn baby socks without buying at least two pairs.

Thing 5 - You may have managed to order ‘Rosie and Joe, thank you’ cards and they arrived eight weeks ago and are sitting on a shelf but will probably be still there in five years time. As you write this you are hoping that all the people on your list of ‘thankyous’ are reading it so will then stop thinking what a rude cow you are for not thanking them for their lovely and thoughtful gift in the first place.

Thing 6 - To plan is to fail. You must never plan anything ever again. Even planning to plan when they finish school in eighteen years time is a mistake and you may make that twenty-one years plus if one or more of them decides to pursue further education. God help us but the idea of it would put years on you except for the fact that I am so old already.

Thing 7 - Whoever came up with the idea of heating the bottle of milk/formula before feeding clearly did not have twins. Anyone out there who does have twins and does manage to heat their bottles is welcome to immediately dump their current partner/husband and come marry me. Man, Woman, no questions asked.

Thing 8 – A baby, no matter how happy and well fed and dry and clean he is will always start whinging as soon as he hears a fork scrape a plate. They are programmed not to let any person within 20 yards of them eat a meal in peace.

Thing 8 ½ - This doesn’t really matter as you have no time to cook anyway.

Thing 9 – There is no point whatsoever in putting on clean clothes and then lifting up a baby. They will immediately puke on you even if nothing has passed their lips in forty-eight hours. Like lemmings (or is it prairie dogs?) they have a hidden pouch somewhere in their cheeks where they can store curdled milk for days and that is why babies’ cheeks are so chubby.

Thing 10 – If no food has passed your baby’s lips in forty eight hours it means you are being a very bad parent and should hold back on those four bottles of whiskey you must be drinking every day.

Thing 11 – Your two babies will never wake at the same time to feed in the middle of the night. One will wake and you will feed him whilst in a total sleep deprived stupor (you, not the baby.) He will inexplicably refuse to burp so you will walk the boards for what seems like hours patting his back whilst also thinking of all your single friends who are currently snoring/shagging their brains out like what normal people should be doing. The other baby meanwhile sleeps through all of this like a log and you will find yourself for the umpteenth time seduced into thinking that perhaps tonight is the night when other baby sleeps right through so, you go back to bed. You will get to lie down for approximately four minutes before other baby starts screaming as though she hasn’t eaten in a week.

Thing 12 – One baby is a blessing but challenging as it is, all babies should come in twos.